It has been a very long time since I've blogged. The last few months have been very sad and very hard.
I basically withdrew from the world because it was simply to painful to bare.
Slowly, but surely, I have found my way back, and while it is not easy to be cheerful and perky, I will try not to be morose and self-pitying.
If you are new to this blog (Welcome!), you may not know that recently, I suffered the most devastating loss a human being can go through.
My newborn baby daughter, Angelica, the treasure of my life, passed away the day after she was born. An otherwise healthy baby, she developed a rare condition called fetal hydrops. Along with that, I developed polyhydraminos (too much amniotic fluid in the uterus - can cause early labour). This condition went undiagnosed by Croydon University Hospital, my GP and local midwives. It was only when I went into early labour (29 weeks 5 days) that the midwife at St George's hospital took one look at me and told me that I had it.
No one knows why Angelica got sick - all tests done have come back negative.
We waited a long time for her and she was a VERY wanted baby. We miss her desperately - every single day. My heart is, and will remain broken. I have started to heal but the cracks will always be there.
People tell me that no matter what happens, I am a mom, but it isn't the same when you don't have a baby to hold.
I know that my little heaven baby would not want me to be sad forever; she would want me to keep living and find some happiness and peace. So that is what I am striving to do.
In the last couple of weeks I have really tried to get hold of things and find a kind of life routine. Routine has never been my strong suite but it's good for you, apparently, so I'm giving it a go.
I have been doing house work (not religiously enough, but it gets done), gardening and have taken to doing sit-ups daily on an ab-roller thingy I bought ages ago from Lidls (I don't do many but that isn't the point).
I have also started to get back into my skincare routine. It feels really good to do it. I think I've become even more keen on doing it now because it's so relaxing.
I am also about to take a very brave step - I am going to get my hair done tomorrow. If I remember, I will take before and after shots.
I may also pick up some skincare goodies while I'm out.
If my hair turns out really well, I may even do a haul video! Won't that be fun (read terrifying)
Let's not get ahead of ourselves though - we'll see how we go.
That's it for now.
